Updated: Confidential Conversations that Never Happened…
A parody of real-life mechanisms in conspiracy cleanup (coverup contingencies)by H. Michael Sweeney permission to duplicate granted provided reproduced in full and all links remain in tact, with credit given to the author and proparanoid.wordpress.com as source.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Update Aug. 29, 2012: As result of the popularity of my multi-part post on the Aurora shooting which is the most exhaustive review of facts to date, and because of the revelations the investigation involved in the effort have afforded, this post is woefully inadequate and no longer reflects the true concerns. Therefore, this update is actually a major rewrite to make it more in harmony with the true facts, rather than the early conjecture available on the Web at the time of its first writing. Additions or changes heralded in red. Any original material remains in tact, but in
strike-through text, as I do not wish anyone to feel the material may have been censored for any other cause. Article begins:
Whenever the official story starts to have cracks in it, the cleaners go to work in Wag-the-Dog fashion, and power is applied to the weakest pressure points to make things ‘better for all concerned.’ As one CIA operative (one of the clean-cut train hobos at Dallas in ’63 set to cause a ruckus if the Grassy Knoll escape plan looked like it might be compromised) told me, “History is what we say it is, and it will not be changed by you or anyone else.”
Er… OK. But don’t fault me for trying the truth now and then, and forgive me with any liberties I take in the absence of good solid news reports full of details and hard facts… a matter which always makes me wonder what we are really dealing with…James holmes a mind-controlled patsy? Come the terror at night, or by day, the citizens Plight is, or it may, be which one is right, by what they say, who is guilty of the fright, and how shall we repay? I wrote that with Aurora in mind, but it applies to a long American history of dark bumps in the dark, does it not? James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Added section: Ring: The receiver is lifted, but no greeting is offered, the Executive seated at the expansive desk in a plush office recognizing the calling number.
Voice on line: “The script will be ready on July 20. Adjust your plans accordingly.” The line went dead and the Executive hung up, and then dialed a number of his own.
Executive: “I’m green lighting Drum Roll. Production can begin at once, with a shooting date set for July 20. Make sure the cast and props are ready by then, and there are no problems in the storyboarding and rehearsals.” And then he hangs up.
Note: Double speak is the intelligence community perfected ‘art’ of speaking in the open about something by couching key matters in allegory or parable form. In the above example, we see how someone in the motion picture industry might talk about a film production… that was really something else… Drum Roll being the role played by the drum magazine in the shooting. Storyboarding means contingency planning, and rehearsals means that everyone knows the plan forwards and backwards. The script refers to the scheduled date of the theater shooting exercise which ‘just happened’ to be being held the same day of the shooting some ten minutes away off the same Freeway access as enjoyed by the Century theater. Interesting because high-risk intel ops such as would be true of a false flag operation, tend to employ a similar ‘drill’ for a like event on the same day and in the same city. This provides a cover operation so that if an operative is compromised, they will not be arrested and the plot can be aborted without exposure of the truth. End of added section.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Ring: “Hello? News reporter here.”
Recognized voice: “The word’s going out to all our newsies… be sure to point out he had over $20,000 in high-tech equipment,
and have another story by someone else suggest there is reason to believe there were Islamic ties, and be sure to play up the gun violence angle. And be sure not to mention he worked on that DARPA* project to develop super soldiers. That U.N. Treaty must be signed!”
News reporter: “But the shooting just happened. There’s been no time for an investigation, yet. What’s our source?”
Recognized voice: “Don’t worry about that. Just say ‘sources close to the investigation,’ and people won’t be smart enough to know any better… except for the ‘conspiracy buffs’ which you already know how to deal with.”
News reporter: “Right. By simply calling them that and ridiculing them for it. Got to hand it to Walter Cronkite for making that work so well in the JFK thing.”
*D.A.R.P.A. Defense Advanced Research Project Agency
Note: Walter was ex Army intel, and would have been a logical go-to person as part of CIA’s Operation Mockingbird which infiltrated news media with, by various estimates, over 1,000 operatives from CIA or on their payroll under the table. Since JFK, no conspiracy investigation has made good headway because media keeps trotting this excuse to ignore the valid questions of civilian investigators and investigative authors, or Engineers, Pilots, and other professionals who come forward with challenges to the official explanations. As one well known Comedian like to say, “I don’t get no respect, you know?”
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Ring: “Hello, Police Public Spokesperson.”
Recognized voice: “You have to stop talking about the possibility of the shooter having help. He’s a lone nut, nothing more.”
Police Public Spokesperson: “But people are trying to figure out how he got he got the larger weapons into the theater and all that gear. We already have one witness who’s been quoted as seeing someone open the Emergency Exit for him.”
Recognized voice: “Don’t worry about him. We have that covered. And don’t worry about what people think. We tell them what to think. Just do as I say.”
Police Public Spokesperson: “O.K. If you say so. Has everyone else in the loop here been so advised, or do I need to have an excuse to pass along?”
Recognized voice: “The key people are our people. We have it all covered, just like L.A. with the RFK matter.”
Note: In Robert Kennedy’s assassination, the Radio Dispatcher who controlled what Cops did that day and the Chief of Police were ex CIA. No wonder cops did not pursue the Woman in the Polka Dot dress, and the L.A.P.D. destroyed all the evidence which indicated more shots were fired than contained in Sirhan Sirhan’s gun, and did not protest that the fatal wounds came from the other side of his body where Thane Ceaser, a security staffer to a CIA involved military contractor had been walking directly behind Robert at the time of the shooting.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Door shuts behind the lone interrorgator (spelling on purpose), and he takes a seat before the exhausted man at the desk. Interrorgator: “You told our people at the theater that you saw
someone open the Exit Door for the shooter a second smoke grenade thrown from the opposite direction?”
Eyewitness: “Yes. I couldn’t see who
because it was silhouettes against the movie screen might have thrown it.”
Interrorgator: “That’s impossible. We know the shooter was a lone gunman, and had no help. We have lots of people lined up who are going to be saying they saw it differently.”
Eyewitness: “I know what I saw. I was not more than ten feet away, and
he crossed in it flew right in front of me.”
Interrorgator: “That’s not what you saw. The confusion and fear of the shooting has simply confused your memory. All you saw was
someone getting up to take a leak or buy some popcorn. He never opened the door was some action on the theater screen from the movie… your mind has simply played a trick on you and filled in the blanks.”
Eyewitness: “No. I’m certain.”
Interrorgator: “Listen, kid. I’m going to lay it on the line for you.” Grabs him by the collar and jerks him halfway across the table. “I’m telling you, and you’d better listen up real careful like, you didn’t see that, you were confused. If you tell anyone you saw that, something bad might happen to you. There are a lot of people upset about this, and some of them have tempers and are looking for someone to go after. They don’t think very clearly, and I’m trying to keep you from getting seriously hurt… or your family for the matter. Do I make myself clear?”
Eyewitness: “You’re threatening me? With those people watching behind the mirror with cameras?”
Interrorgator: “You’re Goddamn right I’m threatening you.” Slaps face. “I sent those people on break and killed the camera, but in five more minutes, I’m going to call them back and we are going to be asking you the same question I started with, and you had better damn well tell me you were confused, or you and yours have NO F***ING FUTURE.” Shoves him back into his seat. “Do we agree on that, or not? Because if not, I can’t protect you!”
Eyewitness: “O.K. O.K. You win. I’m confused. I didn’t see anything except someone going to get popcorn.”
Note: Something almost identical to this happened to witnesses at JFK, RFK, and MLK, as well as the Flight 80o shoot down. Witnesses are often ‘told what they saw’ and told they were ‘confused by events,’ to allow investigators to later say their initial statements were not useful because of duress under stress impacting their memory.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Ring: “Hello, Fire Department.”
Police Department: “We need you to take a Ladder Truck over to the shooter’s place and look in the window for us.”
Fire Department: “Why? We’ve never done anything like that before. What’s going on?”
Police Department: “We just want to make sure its not booby trapped. You need to tell us if it is so you we can send the Bomb Squad out.”
Fire Department: “Did the shooter say something to make you think there’s a bomb?”
Police Department: “Uh… sure. Yea. Something like that.”
Fire Department: “Well why not just send the bomb squad.”
Police Department: “Well, uh… I’m just doing what I’m told. I think they want high visibility with the press. Uh… you know… to make everyone look good. You will look good. We will look good… on TV… our small community will look good on national TV.”
Fire Department: “Whatever you say, Chief.”
Note: At a disadvantage with no concrete facts, there may have been a legitimate reason for asking the Fire Department to participate. Yet they did eventually send the Bomb Squad in and the first thing done was to use robots. Did the robots go in the window? Not that I’ve seen on video. No, they went in the front door. How do we know this? Because we have video of the bomb squad breaking out a portion of the window which would have needed to be removed if using the window for insertion of robots… doing so from the inside after the robots had finished. So why would there not have been a booby trap on the door blowing the robot away? That’s the FIRST thing I’d booby trap if of a mind to booby trap anything.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Ring: “Bomb squad.”
Familiar Voice: “Be sure to blow a lot of stuff up at the practice demolition site afterwards.”
Bomb squad: “Why not just use the portable unit we always take with us? There’s nothing here large enough to require the demolition site.”
Familiar Voice: “TV coverage. Want to look good on TV, don’t you? Besides, the order comes from the top.”
Bomb squad: “Fine. We can have the rookies get in some practice at the same time.”
Note: The portable units (Mobile Explosion Containment Units) can contain significant blasts, but are not necessarily used for on-site demolition of bombs. They would perhaps prefer to instead transport explosives to a demolition site, as the units provide increased safety for such transport. However, some devices might be judged unsafe for transport, and should perhaps be destroyed at the crime scene. WHEN MULTIPLE DEVICES are found, there are several interesting possibilities which drove my inclusion of this portion of the dialogs.
a) The devices were too large to detonate on site. But we know that is not the case because we saw them on TV and they were small explosions (keep in mind that they use explosive devices to explode the bombs, so whatever blast you see is necessarily larger than the bomb by itself would have been.) Further, had this been the case, they should have likely been too large for collective transport, exceeding the safe operating limits of the mobile unit. But they were not shown making multiple trips to accommodate multiple bombs, so we again know this was not the case.
b) Despite the number of devices, their cumulative potential for damage is collectively within the ability of the chamber’s ability to safely transport through populated streets. IN SUCH A CASE, the bombs would normally be disposed of at the bomb squad’s facilities as a SINGLE BLAST. But we saw video on the news of multiple blasts in close proximity. This CONFIRMS they were not big blasts individually, and should have been done as a single blast. Why not? I can think of only one reason: Publicity stunt.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
Added section: Ring: “Executive speaking.”
Voice on line: “There’s been a problem with that special script for Drum Roll. It hasn’t been received by the Publicist.”
Executive: “Well where the hell is it, then?”
Voice: “We think it might be lost in the mail room for some reason.”
Executive: “Well get the… ah, you know… the ‘Director of Security’… to go search for it, then. That’s an important matter useful to Advertising and Promoting Drum Roll to the viewing public.”
Voice: “How do I do that? What do I tell them is the reason?”
Executive: Pauses. “I don’t know. It’s your job to solve problems like this.” Pauses again. “But try this; tell the Publicist to call the Director and complain about a suspicious package… and use that to get Security involved. Use your imagination.” Slams the receiver with a curse.
Note: Director of Security is their contact in the Police Dept. The Publicist is the Psychologist, or someone acting on her behalf. For some strange reason, the Psychologist indeed contacted Police about a strange package which showed up on her desk with no name on it, which turned out to be nothing but a text book being returned by a student. The explanation was concern, after the news about the bombs in James’ apartment, that it might be a bomb from James — in which case I wonder how James managed to put it on her desk while he was under arrest. For an even stranger reason, Police then searched the entire mail room to find the ‘script’ James allegedly mailed explaining in detail his plan to shoot up the theater. Strangest of all is that it was sent 8 days prior to the shooting. End of added section.
Next dialog, and the last, most telling of all…
Interrogator: “O.K., James. You want to tell us why you did it?”
James: “Did what? Why I am under arrest?”
Note: Jame’s reaction after the shooting is no different than Sirhan Sirhan (RFK), Jack Ruby (Oswald), David Chapman (John Lennon), Arthur Bremer (George Wallace), Squeaky Fromme (Reagan), and John Hinkley (Reagan), and others: No attempt to escape, in many cases going limp or calmly waiting nearby for arrest. Many of them have no recollection of the event, or have a single line of ‘political’ thought on it which they repeat, or start to explain and then just at the critical moment, change the subject.
These are all known methods of dissociation symptomatic of programmed Manchurian Candidates who are incapable of ‘confessing’ the truth, as they genuinely are not aware of it. In this case, we know he simply waited in his car and put up no resistance. What we don’t really know is if he has told the Police anything at all, but must presume not, or it would have been all over the news in some form or another.
So I’m taking the liberty and risk to assume, here. Please forgive any Ass made out of You and Me thereby. If I’m way off base, I’d be just as happy with the thought you may have gotten some entrainment value from it… because if I’m not off base, we are all going to end up mad enough to bring down the government and lynch some people.
James holmes is a patsy in a false flag operation
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- Official Formula For Conspiracy Coverups (proparanoid.wordpress.com)
To Laugh in the Face of the NWO is the Best Form of Contempt
But the sad truth is the truth behind the humor isn’t as funny when you know the truth
These attempts at humor are my own creations, sometimes from scratch, sometimes modifying someone else’s gag. They range from pathos to bitter-sweet to belly-laughs. Something for everyone, it is hoped. All were taken from The Professional Paranoid Newsletter. If you like any of these, you may reproduce any one at your site/blog or in print provided you cite and link back to this blog.
by H. Michael Sweeney
Question of Time
The Evergreen International Airport was hailed by an approaching aircraft as the sun was setting. The pilot had a request for the correct time, necessary to assure accuracy in navigational computations.
The tower responded by asking… “Flight, please identify yourself.”
The pilot responded with “Why? What difference does that make? I just want to know what time it is.”
The tower was silent for a moment, and then came back the answer. “I can’t reveal that information. I don’t know your clearance type.”
The pilot was well aware of Evergreen’s CIA ties and made a logical deduction, but countered with a response calculated to his favor. “Tower, this is Senator Farnsworth of the Senate Intelligence Community on a vacation flight. You can find my flight plan filed with FAA if you want to verify. And I suggest that all hell will break loose if you don’t both tell me what time it is and explain why you need to know who I am before you would tell me.”
The tower asked for a moment and then came back with a response. “With apologies, Sir, the correct time is 6 PM local time, on the nose.”
“And why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place.”
“Sir, I needed to know who you were in order to give you the proper time.”
“That makes no sense, son. What are you talking about? The time is the time, isn’t it? Or does time come under the category of disinformation with you people?”
“No sir. But we get certain kinds of pilots in here from a variety organizations all the time, and they each think about time in different ways.”
“Go on, I’m listening.”
“Well, Sir… If you were Air Force or Army, we would have said ‘18:00 hours.’ If you said Navy or Marine, we would have said ‘six bells.’ But if you were DOD, or our own people, I would answer ‘01Zulu,’ and of course, if ‘FBI, we would have said ‘The big hand is on the six, and the little hand is on the twelve.”
A Question of Questions
Spies lead a hard life which requires them to almost always pretend to be someone they are not. It also means that they must continually worry about being discovered or assassinated, or even double crossed by their own side, and other fun things. Naturally, this tends to make them a little crazy after a while.
Agency knows this, and tries to provide professional psychological helps, thus retaining Doctors on the payroll for the purpose. After all, it wouldn’t do to have a spy talking to a civilian doctor about such issues, and related mission details.
Naturally, these psychiatrists must have top secret clearances. And therein lies the problem: The Security Interview, usually administered while the subject is attached to a lie detector machine…
Interviewer. Doctor Smith, have you ever been arrested or prosecuted for a crime?
Smith. What makes you ask?
Interviewer. Its my job. Please answer the question.
Smith. Are you always so preoccupied with your work?
Interviewer. This is a lie detector test, Doctor. I ask the questions, you answer. The machine tells me if you are lying, or not. That’s the way it works.
Smith. Do you worry a lot about being lied to?
Interviewer. I get paid to do this, Doctor. You aren’t making very easy. Can we please proceed?
Smith. How does that make you feel? I sense a little hostility in your tone.
Interviewer. I am naturally a little upset, Doctor. You are not cooperating. I’m supposed to be asking the questions, here, and you are supposed to answer.
Smith. You seem to have a problem with impatience. This would appear to manifest as a need to control others. Tell me about your Father. Did you get along well with him? Was he strict?
Interviewer. My father has nothing to do with this! It’s my job, and nothing else. Now will you please cooperate, or should we terminate this session?
Smith. Is that what you want? To end our talk? I thought we were just beginning to make some headway.
Interviewer. “O.K.That’sit. I’m out of here.
With that the interviewer stormed out of the room. Just before the door shuts, he heard the Doctor say ‘Fine. But I still have to charge the Agency for the full hour.’
A Spy’s Fairy Tale
The cold war was over and a bunch of retired spies were getting drunk in a bar, swapping ‘war stories.’ The first was 007, who explained in great detail how he had retrieved Soviet missile abort codes from the Soviet High Command’s HQ safe.
“That is not possible!” insisted his KGB friend. “No one could get in there.”
“Well it was a rather narrow escape.” said 007. “I barely had time to seduce the secretary on the way out.”
Everyone agreed it was incredulous bragging, but no one wanted to be outdone.
The Russian’s honor seemed at stake, for he asked to go next. “Did I tell you about the time I obtained access to all of Apple Computer’ s secrets?”
The answer was a resounding and in unison “YES! And we still don’t believe you”
The Mossad Agent next took the lead. “I shouldn’t be telling anyone this, but I was the one who faked messages from CIA to Saddam that led him to think the U.S. would not respond if he invaded Kuwait.”
“Incredible,” said 007. “You mean that whole war was merely a setup to neutralize Iraq?”
“Not at all.” replied the man. “The Israeli government just wanted Patriot missiles without having to buy them.” Eyes rolled.
Then they looked at the CIA man, and asked him what story he had to share. “Let’s just say that I was responsible for the mind control projects that caused you folks to undertake those missions.”
No one believed him, so he explained. “You each think the other is lying about their exploits, but I know better. Agency needed the Soviet codes but knew it was too dangerous, so we tricked the Brits into doing the dirty work. If they got caught, they took the blame. If they succeeded, we got the secrets – but James, you see, was programmed not to remember, that he delivered them to us, and not M.” 007 was indignantly incredulous at the notion.
The CIA man ignored him and continued. “And in like manner, we had the Russians get for us the secrets from Apple so no computer would be safe from our back door access. Of course, we then modified the information so it only seemed to work for the Kremlin boys… they were really talking to a dummy system we set up for the purpose.”
“I do not believe any of it,”said the Mossad man, “because there could be no reason to have us fake the message that led to war.”
“The answer to that, my friend, is plausible deniability. If anything went wrong, we could blame you. And, we happen to own a lot of stock in the maker of the Patriots!”
The Israeli looked stunned, as if beginning to believe the man. “This cannot be true, he said. If it were, you would have to kill us all, here and now, to keep such a secret. And besides, I’m pretty sure I’d know it if anyone attempted mind control on me.” The others agreed.
“Believe what you will,” he said. With a decidedly twisted smile, he then said “Peter Rabbit” three times. The men stared blankly at him in disbelief as if to question his sanity, and laughed as he calmly stood and walked away to the door, seeming to confirm their beliefs. But when the door slammed behind him, each of the men, now wearing blank stares, pulled their revolvers and shot themselves in the head.
On the other side of the door, the CIA man straightened his tie, and grinned. “I love programmable responses.” he said.
With that, he went to a phone and made a call. “It’s done.” He said. “Our secrets are now completely safe.”
“Good.” said the man at the other end of the call. Then, without any warning save a small little laugh, he repeated three times the phrase “Rumple Stiltskin.”
Ferris Beuller (Mathew Broderick) had it right. “A person should not believe in an “ism“, he should believe in himself.” In other words, don’t be a follower of someones ideas. If you want to make a change for the better, you are what you’ve been waiting for.
Here are some (twisted) examples of perhaps why isms can be problematic…
Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one and buy a bull to start a cow factory. Worship in any church you want as long as you tithe a portion of your stock options. John Lennon is a famous millionaire singer invited to sit on your Board of Directors. Apple Computer stock looks attractive, so you merge to form Cowpile Computer.
Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to the government to slaughter and share with the poor. You worship in any church which is left or right of center. John Lennon is a folk singer of meaningful Marxist ballads. Apple Computer is bailed out by Congress whenever its stock falls below that of Microsoft.
Communism: You had two cows, but now the State has them, and may or may not give you some milk – if you are willing to stand in a long line. You do not go to church except to attend Party meetings. John Lennon is a decadent influence on youth. Apple Computer never was, because they refused to allow government to take more than one bite of it as it would ruin the logo.
Fascism: You had two cows but the government forced you to sell them to corporations for beans (magic or otherwise) who in turn sells the dairy and beef products back to you for huge profits. You go to the same church as the fearless leader, or you don’t go at all. John Lennon sounds like he was related to a Marxist and so he was shot. Apple Computer was burned to the ground in order to blame Compaqism and sweep Bill Gates into power.
Nazism: You had two cows but the government arrested you for hording and took them. You and your religious fanatic family are burned alive in your church for refusing to Sig Heil. John Lennon was in there with you, singing Give Peace a Chance. Apple Computer users are arrested and sent to camps for daring to ‘Think Different.’
Anarchism: You have two cows running down the freeway causing car wrecks. Shoot the tax collector, steal his money, and rape his dog (unless a hunting dog – but since it is a government dog, we know that dog don’t hunt.) You blow up the church. John Lennon sings Revolution. Macintosh Computers have a high repair rate from all the bullet holes.
Constitutionalism: You have two cows and the government cannot unreasonably search or seize them without a warrant, or prevent them from mooing, or prevent you from owning them and forming a militia of fellow cow owners who meet weekends and practice milking with dummy targets. You can’t figure out which of the thousands of churches to attend. Neither can John Lennon, so he writes Imagine. Steve Jobs was a Founding Father who wrote the ‘Consitution for the rest of us.’
Patriotism: You have two cows painted red, white, and blue. Your church supports the current war. John Lennon is boycotted, and so he has a sleep in. Apple is not sold to anyone unwilling to pledge allegiance to Microsoft products.
Militarism: You have two cows which you have convinced each that the other is seeking to invade their own private pasture. You sell arms to both sides. Your church owns stock in your company. John Lennon had his visa revoked because he was a pacifist who smoked pot. Apple Computer is what makes smart bombs smart.
Pacifism: You have two contented cows which give canned milk. Your body is your temple (and you are what you eat.) The government is headed by John Lennon. Apple Computer listens to its customer complaints.
Fatalism: Your cows died after you stopped feeding them because you figured they would just die, anyway. It was the same reasoning by which you determined God is dead. You never heard of John Lennon. Apple System error messages all start with ‘You should have known better than to think this wasn’t going to happen…’
Surrealism: You have a pasture full of Dell Computers searching the Web for the best price on a Macintosh. The government worships you. There is no John Lennon, because he would have made sense, so he instead turns out to actually be Ringo Star, who never quite did.
Bushisms: Is your cows in my Big Mac? I’m a God fearing man on Sundays. Which one is Lennon, and which one is Lennin? I will not have one of those damned Macs on my desk. Jobs didn’t contribute one cent to my election fund!
Clintonisms: Wow, look at those udders! I’m a God fearing man on Sundays. I liked John Lennon. We had a lot in common. In fact, I inhaled once, myself. I don’t know about granting Apple a GSA contract… they didn’t contribute to my election fund.
Obamaisms: Your cows are being detained indefinitely to combat terrorism. I’m a God fearing man on Sundays. I liked John Lennon. He sued Apple Computer, who didn’t contribute to my election fund.
A Subliminally Minimal Delima
Suddenly, almost overnight, a new craze seemed to be sweeping the country. It seemed like there was no retail outlet of any kind or size where you wouldn’t find people wearing silly slip-on rabbit ears. Stranger than that, they would give a couple of hops or more whenever they said something. It made no sense, and no one knew where it came from, especially those who were involved in the insanity. If you asked them about it, they simply said something like “I don’t know. I just can’t help myself.”
At CIA, panic ensued when it was discovered that the common denominator was that they were all customers of the same cable company, one which was partnering with CIA to deliver subliminal programming messages in the audio tracks. A top level meeting was convened and an investigation ordered. The answer would prove to be simple, but it was hard to find. Eventually they discovered the programmer of the subliminals in the messaging system had misunderstood his orders because he was hard of hearing and refused to admit it.
He had been instructed to embed a message intended to support the war on terror, as follows: “Talk to people while shopping, sharing rabid fears.” But he had apparently heard something else.
Weapon of Mass Distraction hides Collateral Damage
President Bush and Cheney called a special meeting of his White House Staffers, to include all the clerks, secretaries, and the like. He wanted to test read the speech he was preparing to give the American people in order to ‘sell’ his Iraq war, America’s new ‘new war.’
He and Cheney had been arguing about how to sell the public on accepting the war, but Bush had proposed a way to prove they would, and thus, the staff was to be a ‘sample audience’ to test the notion. At the end, they were instructed to ask questions as if they were media reporters at the real press conference where the speech would be given.
Bush started with a long introduction into the reasons for attacking Iraq, and eventually, got to the part where he was going to attempt to minimize the ‘cost’ of the war.
The strategy included an attempt to parallel the likely outcome of with the war in Afghanistan — focusing on stealth and cruise missile technology, high altitude bombing, US air superiority, and so forth, all to minimize loss of life. That went well enough. Then they came to the part he wanted to test:
“With respect to the matter of civilian casualties, I assure you our forces will take every possible precaution to avoid unnecessary loss of life. Collateral damage estimates provided to me by the Department of Defense based on their overall strategic plan are encouraging, to say the least. Estimates are that 240,000 Iraqi civilians will die, along with two Americans; a young blond Woman from California and her four-month old baby girl.”
Naturally, when it came time for questions, the staff exploded with queries about the Woman from California and her baby, and why she had to die. Bush turned to Cheney with a smile.
“See. I told you they wouldn’t care about 240,000 Iraqi.”
The New CIA Recruits
A trio of new CIA recruits fresh out of college, were being given a tour of the training facilities. One of them was a bit arrogant and cocky, a know it all. Well, actually, they all were, but this one was more so than the rest, and quite annoying. His name was John Doe Smith, as it happens. No. Really. That’s his real name. I made it up myself!
At one point in the tour, they visited the shooting range during an assassin sniper training session, which had been going on for more than an hour. Nearby, a sniper trainee was using a heavy 70 mm armor-piercing long-range rifle, with a massive number of expended cartridges scattered nearby. The arrival of the recruits gave the Firing Range Officer an excuse to give the shooters a 10 minute break, and they left the line, leaving their weapons at rest.
As it happened, a young female CIA Instructor was giving the tour, and the cocky guy felt obliged to attempt to impress her at every opportunity, his motives all too plain to all concerned, and most annoying. While she started to talk about the firing range and rules of operation, the overbearing young man reached down started to pick up a large 70 mm rifle, smoke still rising from its barrel.
To his dismay, he quickly learned it was not only quite heavy, but as his grip was about the barrel, he found it extremely hot. He had managed to lift it a couple of inches, when, as if bitten by a viper, he had let go with a suppressed yelp and yank his hand back.
Indeed, he would soon have a set of blisters as proof of his foolishness, but his pride would not let him admit to his pain, and he grit his teeth to form an attempted smile.
“What’s the matter?” asked the instructor with a penetrating stare. “Too hot a weapon for you to handle?”
The other recruits broke into laughter and took the opportunity to join in the attempt to embarrass the man into finally shutting up — they had had a stomach full of him already. “Yeah, Smith. Are you a candy-assed smart ass, or just a dumb-assed smart ass?” asked one with a chuckle. The others laughed even harder.
Smith didn’t turn to face them at first, trying to figure out how to extricate himself from such an embarrassment. Then he got an idea, and he turned his head to glibly announce his excuse…
“I don’t know what you are talking about. It just doesn’t take me long to inspect a good murder weapon.”
NSA: Bastion of Security
Security has to be tight anywhere national security is involved, even tighter when daily fare, such as at NSA headquarters. And perhaps even tighter if work involves international plots during wartime and worries about assassination and terrorism. How much tighter still, if paranoia creeps in because of all the security leaks in the news, of late, and Congressional investigations deemed to be politically motivated witch hunts?
I swear I am not making this up. Signs almost identical to the following wereposted briefly at an unnamed secure facility — here simplified in paraphrase for clarity and brevity. Pay attention the fine print… which would seem to be the most demanding and harshest security method ever devised at a Federal facility.
The new card-scan and voice-print security system
will be activated next Monday, August 3rd. Effective as of that date:
Positively NO ADMITTANCE
Without New Card And Passwords!
New scan cards will be issued in exchange
for the current ID badges on Wednesday Aug. 5th in room 27C
Can Spies Ever Tell the Truth?
A paraphrased joke from Dr. Laura (originally a dumb blond joke):
A Secret Service Agent, FBI Agent, and CIA Agent were walking through a mall to get lunch when they encountered a spooky looking magic shop that was simply irresistible. Going inside, they found lots of curious looking artifacts and an ancient looking gentleman behind the counter.
Behind him was a mirror with a black drape over and a sign which read “Danger! Mirror of True Thought” Curious, the men asked the little man, dressed like a wizard of old, about the mirror. He explained that any who used the mirror and honestly told it their thoughts about their shortcomings would be granted some good gain regarding those shortcomings. But if they lied… well, it was too terrible to speak of.
The agents scoffed at the notion and cajoled the old man to prove it by uncovering the mirror that they could try it. He refused and warned them it would be foolhardy. Still, they pressed him hard until, with a wicked smile and a little laugh, he finally agreed. “Fools,” he said. “You will regret it.”
He uncovered the mirror and the FBI agent presented himself and, after a few second of thought, spoke his mind. “I think,” he said, “I could use a better gun.” Suddenly, a bulge appeared under his shoulder. Checking, he found his Smith and Wesson was replaced with something that looked like a ray gun from Star Trek.
The others marveled at the device, and this prompted the Secret Service Agent to
address the mirror. :”I think,” he said, “I could stand to have a better memory.” Suddenly, his mind was flooded with total recall of every experience he had ever had since birth. After illustrating by recounting several of these, the CIA agent decided it was his turn.
He stepped up to the mirror, and looked smugly into it. “I think,” he said, and then promptly vanished in an orange flash amid screams of pain.
Ironic Moronic Tonic
Item: There is a one in thirty-three chance you will loose your job, but not to worry, it will be a short term problem because the death rate for the unemployed is 33% higher than for the employed…
Item: The number of manhole covers exploding from pent up sewer gas is high enough that many communities have installed special ventilation systems. However, these systems seem to introduce electrical components into the underground in a way that sparks cause even worse explosions with a frequency which suggests it was a bad idea.
Item: Injecting too many household cleaning items under the skin of a rat leads to Cancer. Electric blankets and cell phones create magnetic fields conducive to Cancer. Some plastic mini-blinds were apparently constructed of materials which biodegrade in sunlight to produce cancer causing substances in the air. 21% of all US homes have Radon gas seeping through their floors, which causes lung Cancer. The coatings in ALL food tin cans contains compounds which leech into the food and which can cause Cancer. Cancer rates are increasing every year as result of all this, but not to worry. The cure for Cancer will be along in just a few more centuries.
Item: Soda Pop is considered high on the list of causes of obesity and resulting health issues. So they developed artificial sweetners… all of which are based on poisonous compounds. It’s our new fluoridation program.
Item: Under President Bush (the First,), the June issue of the Journal of Medical Ethics published an article proposing that happiness be defined as a psychiatric disorder; happy people tend to make judgment errors which impact negatively in their life because they ‘do not have a realistic understanding of their physical and social environment.’ Darn that old Constitution for attempting to let us have our pursuit of happiness… Since then, every President has been working hard to fix that — in the name of mental health, we must presume.